What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 04:27
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Can you explain the difference between “mi piace” and “mi piacciono” in Italian?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Would this be the day?
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was scared of men, in general
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We all went to grammer schools
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is soul school!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I think the readers, may guess!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot live in the past .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What did i know ?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Ive learnt so much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was very sick at this time too.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Put me off passion for life!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I will be 64.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..